


Just Add Lemon Juice

by notahotlibrarian



Category: Enchanted Forest Chronicles - Patricia Wrede, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Dragons, F/M, Gen, Magic, Pre-Relationship, Wizards, crack!fic, crossover fic, don't ever reread your favorite childhood series and expect to write nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-14
Updated: 2013-01-14
Packaged: 2017-11-25 13:42:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/639461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notahotlibrarian/pseuds/notahotlibrarian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wizards infiltrate Stark Tower, and Darcy knows exactly how to deal with them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Add Lemon Juice

**Author's Note:**

> This is an unabashed, crack-fic crossover between the Avengers and Patricia C. Wrede's "Dealing with Dragons" - which I just reread and it is still as awesome as ever. So if you don't understand the references, GO READ IT. And even if you do, still go read it.

It was another typical day at work for Darcy Lewis: scientists spoke mumbo-jumbo, she made innumerable pots of coffee and grilled cheese sandwiches, and baby SHIELD agents were shot at with Nerf guns by Clint hiding in the air ducts. So, you know...typical.

Jane's attempt to reconnect the Bifrost was successful, and Thor was back, but the subsequent attempts to travel between realms had failed. So she and the rest of Team Science were frantically trying to fix the rainbow road so they could Mario Kart with the Asgardians. Or at least, that's how Darcy understood it. Darcy knew when she wasn't needed, so she simply dropped off lunch for the brain trust then left the lab, looking for work elsewhere.

So she was hanging out in the kitchen a few floors up, cleaning up her mess from lunch when the alarm sounded. "JARVIS?" she frantically asked the ceiling as she dried her hands.

"Two unauthorized persons have breached the Tower," he replied automatically as video footage flashed up on a screen on a nearby wall. The video showed two men, both with long beards, black eyes, and overly tall staffs.

"What the hell?" Darcy muttered to herself. Something about the two men seemed vaguely familiar... "JARVIS, where are they?"

"This floor," JARVIS replied as the two men stumbled into the kitchen.

"CIMORENE!" the youngest man yelled, pointing at her. Darcy glanced down at herself, taking in her blue checked apron over a red t-shirt, haired pulled into two long braids. Who did they think she was?

"Hush, Antorell," the older man hissed. "Just bind her!" The younger man started to advance towards her, and Darcy grabbed the faucet hose as a weapon. "With your magic, idiot!" he hissed again. 

Just as the second man, Antorell, ominously raised his staff (and if there was a penis joke to be made somewhere in there, Darcy would find it later) Steve, in his full Captain America spandexed glory, rushed into the kitchen. The second man quickly swung his staff at the Captain and knocked that iconic shield out of his hands.

Oh shit.

Things were about to get REAL.

With another surprisingly quick move, the second man pointed his own staff at Cap and...immobilized him, somehow. Darcy could see Steve's eyes moving frantically, but the rest of his body was just...frozen.

What was this sorcery?

As soon as that thought crossed her mind, Darcy realized that it wasn't sorcery - it was wizardry. "Oi! Zemenar!" she yelled at the older man. 

Shock crossed his face as he turned to look at her. "How do you know my name, girl?" he asked derisively, a snarl curling his upper lip as he pointed his staff at her. Antorell mirrored his movements, but with less grace.

Darcy glanced at the counter behind her. Grabbing the bottle of Dawn (and how convenient, it was lemon scented), she brandished her makeshift weapons at the two wizards. "I know of Cimorene," she said offhandedly.

Derision turned to rage on his face. "Why that b-" he started, but before he could finish his statement, Darcy sprayed him in the face with water. Blinking water out of his eyes, he laughed contemptuously. "Foolish girl. Do you think water will stop me?"

"No. But this will!" Darcy aimed her spray of water at Cap's shield, where it was upended on the floor by her feet - creating a perfect bowl. She added some dish soap as the two wizards watched confusedly. By the time comprehension crossed their faces - or rather, Zemenar's face, because Antorell _still_ didn't know what was going on - Darcy bent down and picked up the shield as if it were a large bowl and flung the soapy water in their faces.

Watching wizards melt is not a pleasant process. There's the unpleasant odor, for starters - a combination of wet, dirty dog and rotting fish. Then, there's the insults and threats they insist on squeaking out as they shrink. But once they're done, shrunk and gone, Darcy calmly pulls a hand broom from beneath the sink, sweeps their mess up, and dumps it down the garbage disposal.

By this time, Steve had unfrozen from whatever magic they did, and he was simply watching her, scratching his head confusedly from where he had removed his cowl. "Wh- how- what- " he stuttered.

"Wizards. Nasty little buggers," she answered with a pretend shudder. She gingerly picked up the staffs from the floor and passed them to him. "Take these down to lab for me, will you? I've got to finish cleaning this up. And tell everyone story time in half an hour. I'll explain it all then."

 

 

Everyone was comfortably ensconced in the media room when Darcy came in, carrying four battered copies of her favorite childhood books. "Okay, everybody!" she said, gathering everyone's attention. "Story time! So, once upon a time in my childhood -" 

"So, you mean yesterday?" Clint said with a mischievous grin.

Darcy gave him a stink eye. "Back in my childhood," she continued. "My parents read and acted out this awesome book series for me when I was home with chicken pox. We are going to do the same," she finished imperiously. As Tony and Clint groaned, she added, "It'll be fun, I promise!"

Steve honest-to-God raised his hand. "But how does this explain the guys in here today?" he asked.

"You'll see," Darcy replied with a grin. "That's not 'til chapter 13."

JARVIS piped in. "Miss Lewis, I took the liberty of downloading copies onto everyone's tablet."

"Thanks JARVIS! Who would you like to be?" Darcy asked the AI.

"If madam would like, I could be Wourag."

"Oooh, perfect." Darcy said with a cackle. "Now, let's see..." she said, glancing around the room. "I'm obviously Cimorene, which would make Jane Alianora, which would make Thor the Stone Prince....and Natasha is obviously Kazul...."

"Might I suggest Miss Potts as Morwen?" JARVIS offered.

"Also perfect." Darcy replied. "So...that leaves Bruce as...Roxim, definitely him. And Tony as....let's say Tony as Zemenar and Clint as Antorell," she finished with a giggle.

"Should I be flattered or offended by that?" Tony asked.

"Well, I did just make Clint your idiot son, so..." Darcy replied playfully. Clint leaned over and playfully punched her on the arm. "Hey!" she yelled.

"Where does that leave me?" Steve asked politely.

"Oh, you get to be Mendanbar," Darcy said with a secretive smile. "Now, let's begin." With a dramatic throat clearing, she started reading from her battered paperback. "Linderwall was a large kingdom, just east of the Mountains of Morning, where philosophers were highly respected and the number five was fashionable..."


End file.
